Learn To Live Again
We bring to you our first story of courage, inspiration, and true light beneath the darkness. We are truly humbled, honored and blessed to have our dear friend “D” share her story with us and for allowing us to channel it for all those who seek encouragement. We hope her story adds spark to the light shinning inside you and instills faith in you that no matter what our life circumstances are, with faith and belief we can overcome it all. Here goes her story, in her own words…
Hi, My name is "D". I am a 60 year old recovering addict. I wasted a lifetime (25 + years) searching for the elusive fix. When I refer to fix, I mean something to "fix" the emptiness inside of me. I always knew I was missing something essential in my heart and soul. From the time I can remember.....I knew I was less than. I had no Dad. He left when I was 2 months old. I was premature and spent my first month in the hospital and I remember my mom telling me "That is why I can't love you like I should, We didn't bond in the beginning." I didn't understand that, but accepted it at a young age. I spent my first 13 years between Mom, Grandmom, Foster Homes, and strangers houses. I loved my grandmother desperately and wanted to stay with her ALWAYS. When I was with my mom all she did was beat me, punish me, lock me in my closet for days on end. I had no friends because I was lacking social skills and it showed. To make things worse, I was born blind in my left eye and I was cross eyed. I would come home from the first grade everyday crying because the kids chanted "Crossed eyed Dolly" "Crossed eyed Dolly". And my mother would beat me for crying. So I hated school from the beginning. I hated my Mom, but mostly I hated my closet. With just one little piece of scotch tape it was my prison. Why couldn't I be the pretty girl with the pigtails that everyone liked? The one who had lunches that it was obvious her "Mom" made with love and even put little sweet notes in there. I loved that little girl.....I hated that little girl....I wanted to be that little girl so much. It was the early 60s and child abuse was not reported apparently. My mother lived in an apartment complex in Hyattsville Md. and I know the neighbors heard my screams. I never thought about telling anyone. I lived in total bewilderment and fear. At the age of 8 my grandmother came to visit for my birthday and found me hanging in the walk-in closet by my wrist (tired with old fashion stockings) on a coat hook. NAKED It seemed that all beatings and punishments were naked. I'm still clueless as to why. Even as an adult I never asked my mother why. (I spent my whole life afraid of her.) But at age 8, I was finally gonna be with my wonderful Gran. Yay! For five years life was wonderful. Still didn't have many friends as my grandfather drank everyday and the "good kids" in the neighborhood weren't allowed around. But I had my Gran! I excelled in school. Loved to read and I was happy! Unfortunately this happiness was not meant to last. At age 13 Gran told me I was old enough to go live with my mom again. That was the last thing I wanted. "Please God, don't let this happen I prayed". It turned out I learned later that my grandfather had admitted to my grandmother in a drunken stupor that he had sexual fantasies about me and Gran thought she was doing what was best. And she was , but then again she wasn't. She had no choice and neither did I. From day one it was misery back with my mom. I was a slave, I took care of her house, her horses, and her boyfriends. The beatings with straps as a child turned into fist as a teenager when I refused any of her wishes. So at age 15 I was pregnant and my mother threw me out. No more school for me. I got a job and an efficiency apartment. I had a son and it was so much of a struggle that I begged my grandmother to let me come home. However by that time my grandfather was completely open with his obsession of me and I couldn't stay there. I met a guy I moved in with him and his aunt and uncle and I was pregnant again. And then another guy and two more children and their father introduced me to cocaine. Needless to say my life took an even more downward spiral. I could get it together for a little while and then something would happen and I would get high. I have an addiction. I was no better than my mother and now my kids were in and out of foster care. I would get them back, things would go well for a little while and something would go wrong I would give up and back to the Coke I went. I spent the next 20 years trying to destroy myself. I was a failure and I knew that I would fail in anything I tried so I didn't try. I gave up. When I wasn't High I thought of all the people I hurt. My grandmother my children and mostly myself. No matter what I did I couldn't get it together. By then the children were with other families and all my running and lies caught up with me. I always had it in the back of my mind that I was going to get it together and get my children and we would all be happy. But it never happened because when you're on drugs it's your life. You just want to stay high and you do whatever you have to do to get high. I had pretty much sold myself to the devil and God wasn't even alive anymore as far as I was concerned. Because....... why would God give me to the parents he gave me to when the pretty little pigtailed girl had a mommy and daddy who loved her. When you grow up believing that you are worthless, than that's what you become and that's what I believed I was. I can't even tell you exactly what turned me around. (Probably my Grandmothers Prayers) But I came to a point where I was tired of the streets, tired of my life and if something didn't change I knew I would die. I didn’t want to be a statistic. I didn’t want that to be my legacy. I finally surrendered. After all the years of being a misfit and a failure it was time to grow up. I'm not going to say it was easy because it wasn't, it was the hardest thing I ever did. But I knew in my heart when I quit I was done. I still had bouts of depression and couldn't figure out why. So I went to a rehab. It's funny because I went to rehab clean. I wasn't a practicing addict when I decided to go, I was in a recovery of my own. But I knew I had to get down to reasons that I let drugs destroy me for so long. So I went to a behavioral / drug rehabilitation program. And by the grace of God it was my first and my last. I had let my childhood ruin my life. Some people can overcome it and I have the upmost respect for them. Unfortunately I wasn't able to until I got an education on why I couldn't let it go. I had to learn to love myself. I had to learn that the things that happened to me weren't my fault. That it didn't happen because I was a bad seed. It just happened. I had to stop blaming myself. I had to learn that I was a good person and that the bad things that happened as a child were out of my control. What it all boils down to......I finally let go of child abuse. When you grow up with feelings of inadequacy sometimes you can't struggle out of it. I learned that I was medically treating myself with the use of cocaine. When I was on coke I was somebody, or so I thought. Cocaine loved me. As long as I had Coke I had friends and my friends loved me too, until I didn't have any Coke anymore. It fed my need for love. Until you're ready to surrender there is nothing anyone can say or do to make that happen. You can only do it for yourself. But it can be done I'm living proof and if my story helps anyone especially mothers struggling with addiction who are in need of breaking the cycle please I urge you to take that step. Don't Let It Go On as long as I did. It will break you. Reach Out!!, because I didn't and it led me on a path of destruction that no one should ever go down. It's still hard for me to carry around the burden of not raising my children because the person that I am now would be an awesome mom. But alas my children are grown and I thank God they never had to go through this. But the guilt and pain never goes away. You live with it daily. Addiction kills, mind, body and spirit. Don’t be afraid to reach out for whatever help you can get. Learn to live again. PLEASE "D"
If you would be willing to share your story of darkness, hope, or light with the world, please contact us. Love and blessings to all. Adieu, Nidhi Kaur Michael Lamartina